In lieu of a proper introduction

Today I have something particular to say to a particular someone, or rather group of someones, with whom I have several bones to pick.  

Dear Oasis,

    You are boring. You are boring and derivative. And boring. Holy christ on a shitsicle, are you ever boring. Even when you’re not trying desperately to be The Beatles (a laughable endeavor in which you will never, ever, ever, ever come close to succeeding), and stealing riffs from T.Rex (only one of a handful of far more innovative, imaginative,and interesting bands to which you will never hold even a burnt and blackened match, much less a candle), your rubbish, swaggering personas are even more boring than your second-rate, mediocre music.  Even Coldplay, boring as they are (and let’s be honest here, they’re pretty fucking boring. Just mentioning their name is nearly enough to put me in a coma for 15 years), are at least inoffensively boring, insofar as being boring is ever inoffensive.  You, Oasis, are boring in such a painful, attention-seeking, OH PLEASE LOOK AT ME I’M IMPORTANT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, laughably childish, hissy-fit-throwing way that I would be less offended by your existence if you had just gone back in time, ripped off John, Paul, George, and Ringo’s heads, skull-fucked them one by one, and shat in their bleeding neck-holes.  

At least then you’d be doing literally what you and your music have been doing figuratively for more years than I want to think about.  



p.s. Marc Bolan told me he’s going to anally penetrate you with your own femurs in the afterlife for stealing the opening riff from “Bang a Gong (Get it on).”   Enjoy!

2 Responses to “In lieu of a proper introduction”

  1. You’re not the first to say Oasis is boring and derivative.

    I’m always curious of people that hate Oasis what kind of stuff they like. So, what do you like?

  2. intelekshual Says:

    This is the most perfect introduction you could have provided.

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